Harry Potter and the Man with the Golden Gun is a fictional book created by Simon who has never read a Harry Potter book or seen a movie of the franchise. The title is a combination of the usual formula where the seven books of the series are named "Harry Potter and the _____" as well as the 1974 James Bond film The Man with the Golden Gun starring Roger Moore and Sir Christopher Lee. He reads an excerpt of the book in the voice of the British celebrity Stephen Fry until horrifying himself and Lewis by having Harry and Hermione kiss, with the latter spoken in a gruff man's voice.

The book's excerpt:

Harry Potter turned to Hermione, his cheeks aflush, and said:

"Hermione, umm... what does it mean when my willy gets hard?"

Hermione's jaw dropped to the floor as she turned to Harry, and said:

"Uhh, all right, Harry. It's natural, it's nothing to be afraid of... Uhh, come 'ere! Gimmie a kiss....."