Zombies and Drugs was the sixth episode of the YoGPoD. It was created and produced by Simon and Lewis, also featuring Hannah (and Hannah's housemate?). In this episode, Simon and Lewis come up with a scenario where Simon has caught a rare African virus which has destroyed his brain (or what's left of it), causing him to think that people are food, and effectively making him a zombie. When asked what he would do if Simon knocked on his door, Lewis says that he'd either "shotgun him in the head" or just ignore him and go back to playing Puzzle Quest with his friend. Later on, they come up with several fictional narcotics: Spacker, Scrote, The YoGPoD, Knobber, Max Power, Lips, Twink, and Sparkle.

Official Description Edit

"Simon and Lewis discuss the dangers of zombie apocalypse and the lingo used by drug dealers."

Transcript Edit

There will be casual swearing involved. You have been warned.


Music starts playing

Intro: Hello, and welcome to YOGSCAST.

Simon: Lewis, what would you do if I died, and I came back as a zombie? And then I went insane.

Lewis: I'd shotgun you in the head.

Simon: Do you actually have a shotgun?

Lewis: No.

Simon: So how would you achieve this? How would you—

Lewis: It's not going to happen. It's one of those questions—like—

Simon: What if it did? What if it did happen?

Lewis: —what would happen if there was an afterlife? There isn't. There's about—no—

Simon: This isn't our world, this is this world [citation needed, it's difficult to discern what Simon said exactly].

Lewis: —there's about as much chance, there's about as much chance as a zombie visiting as—there isn't any chance, there isn't any chance at all.

Simon: Okay...

Lewis: It's not gonna happen. It's NOT gonna happen.

Simon: What's happened is, I caught—I caught this, this African virus. Which, basically, destroyed my brain. Okay... I don't know how you would tell that, first off.

Lewis snickers.

Simon: But, trust me; it has destroyed my brain.

Lewis: Okay.

Music fades out.

Simon: And so I'm going around, and I'm hungry, and I can't remember how to eat food. And I see people walking around, and I'm like "is that food, there?" So, I'm—like—staggering towards them trying to eat them. Right? So I'm, I'm like staggering around (in zombie voice) "eugh euugh", moaning in pain, because, ya know, I've got these terrible aches and pains in my body. Because, ya know, obviously I've—I've caught this virus, and it's affecting me somatically. So, I'm like knocking on your door. Like (in zombie voice) "eugh euugh, Lewis, are you there? Hello?".

Simon makes a knocking sound (probably on his desk).

Simon: (in zombie voice) "Hello?"

Lewis: Right.

Simon: And you open the door, and you see me standing there. My head's like tilted to one side, with a bit of dribbles coming out—

Lewis: Right...

Simon: I've got—like—blood, I've got blood speckled and stuck to my beard. With pieces of gore and brain. Right. I'm just stood there. I'm kind of a bit slumped, because I'm a bit tired. And I reach out one of my hands, towards you. Now, what do you do in that situation?

Lewis: I shotgun you in the head!

Simon: But you can't do this, you don't have, you don't have a shotgun! Do you?

Lewis: Alright, I close the door.

Simon: You close the door, and you just ignore me?

Lewis: Yeah. You're ill—

Simon: But I'm quite persistent.

Lewis: —You're a zombie.

Simon: I'm persistent. I'm knocking on the door again.

Simon makes a knocking sound.

Simon: (In zombie voice) "Lewwiie. Euaagh. Lewis. Euaagh."

Lewis giggles.

Lewis: Right... Okay, so, there's a zombie knocking on my door, and, he's, what? You're banging louder and louder, are you? Or are you just keep banging or something like that?

Simon: Yep. A mate of yours, a mate of yours, he's just walkin' down the street towards me. He's come to see you. Right?

Lewis: Okay.

Simon: And he's, he's, he's now stood next to me. And he's looking at me a bit funny, because, ya know, I obviously look a little bit weird... IRL.

Simon and Lewis laugh.

Simon: And he, he's now knocking on the door. He's knocking on-

Simon makes a knocking sound.

Simon: (Imitating a friend of Lewis) "Lewis? Lewis! Ya gonna come out for a drink? Lewis? You're not answering your phone. Lewis? Are you alright, mate?" And I'm there, and I'm knocking on the door as well.

Simon makes a knocking sound.

Simon: (In zombie voice) "Leewie... Lewiiee... Leewwis.."

Lewis laughs.

Lewis: Right. Right. Okay, so—

Simon: So, what are you going to do now?

Lewis: Well, I'm in the middle of playing Puzzle Quest. So, I'm just gonna carry on ignoring you, for now... 'til it escalates.

Simon: But, your mate's there. Your mate's there. He's outside with a zombie next to him, a zombie that's hungry. I might just turn around and eat him. And you know that your friend is out there. And, are you just gonna leave him there? With me? About to eat him? Would you do that?

Simon makes a knocking sound.

Simon: (In zombie voice) "Lewiees... Leewies... Lewiies..."

Lewis: Well, obviously I, I'd, I'd open the door and asses how violent you were. I mean, it would, it would really depend on whether you were a fast-moving or a slow-moving zombie. You know, if you were a-

Simon: Have a fucking guess which one I would be!

Lewis laughs.

Lewis: Theoretically, if you were just a normal, shambling, slow-moving zombie... Who didn't pose any kind of threat... You know... Um... I could just sort of push you off, get in—get my friend in, and we, we'd play some Wii Tennis or something.

Simon: Aren't you worried about me, though? Aren't you concerned that I, you know... I've caught this disease, and that I'm ill... And that I'— I'm clearly in distress. I mean, aren't you worried? Don't you think that you could help me in some way?

Lewis: (Yawning) Why would I be worried?

Simon makes a knocking sound.

Simon: (In zombie voice) "Lewieehs."

Simon: Maybe if you offered a part of your body for me to gnaw on... I'd—I'd feel better and then I would stop bothering you.

Lewis: I mean, somehow, I don't think that's a very good solution.

Simon: (In zombie voice) "Lewieehs"

Simon makes a knocking sound.

Simon: (In zombie voice) "Need knob Leewiehs... Need Lewieh's knob".

Lewis laughs.

Lewis: For God's sake. WHAT is wrong with you!?

Simon and Lewis laugh.

Lewis: So you're now a homosexual zombie.

Simon: (Giggling) I'm—I'm not a zombie that eats brains, I'm a zombie that eats dick.

Lewis: Oh, God. There are people that think we're—like—gay, anyway.

Simon: That is the worst kind of zombie.

Music plays.

Intro: Hello, and welcome to YOGSCAST.

Lewis: Lomadia.

Hannah: Yes?

Lewis: Can you do an introduction to the new YoGPoD, please?

Hannah: Do you... Okay, right. Hello, and welcome to the YOGSCAST, um, this time 'round—

Person?: YOGSCAST!

Hannah: Sorry about that! I'm gonna just throw him out of the room. Hang on... Hello, and welcome—

Person?: HELLO!

Hannah: Oh for f- Hang on! I'm actually just gonna go and beat him up, I'll be right back.

Lewis snickers.

Lewis: Thank you.

Music fades out.

Lewis: We can start off with a letter from one of our listeners.

Simon: Do we have one? What?

Lewis: Yeah. I have—I have loads!

Simon: Oh my... What!?

Lewis: Here, but there was a particularly weird one, right?

Simon: Why don't I get anything?

Lewis: 'Cause they send me them through YouTube usually.

Greetings Xephos,

I just wanted to say I love the YoGPoD; I have it playing 21/7 on my iPod. I listen to you and Simon's conversations about S-Club story-lines and had a chuckle for myself on the bus. I got home very late last night, but immediately pulled one off: loads of jizz. First thing this morning, bit less jizz.

Simon: Um...

Lewis: Twenty minutes after that, hardly any jizz at all. The only time I'm not listening to you two is three hours every day for sleep.

That's from Eeres Allis [citation needed].

Simon: I'm scared. I am scared.

Lewis laughs.

Simon: I mean, right at the start he mentions listening to you "21/7". Which is quite odd. You know, I mean, that's a term nobody ever uses.

Lewis laughs.

Simon: To start with.

Lewis: That was a... I mean, it started off pretty normal, and then quickly went very weird.

Simon: I mean, I do—I do kind of debate the, the, you know, the factual accuracy of this letter. This correspondence to the YoGPoD.

Lewis: Mhm.

Simon: So why, why is he telling us about his jerkin' off? What's that? Why...?

Lewis laughs.

Lewis: I don't know. I mean, it's hit you in the same way it hit me. I just didn't know what to make of it. I—this isn't like one of the trolls or cavier[citation needed] or one of the guild. It's just some random guy.

Simon: It's a random nutter, basically.

Lewis: Yeah. He's been—I think he lives in Sweden. Um... I think he might be a homosexual, because he's got quite a few gay-related videos.

Simon: OH MY GOD! Oh my god! So it—you think he, he's listening to us and actually... What the fuck?

Lewis: Was there, is there anything you'd like to say. You know, to help him along?

Simon: (In a small voice) I'm scared of saying anything.

Lewis laughs.

Lewis: Just say something nice, you know, say hello. Say his name, his name would probably help... Eres Allis[citation needed]. That's prob—

Simon: Nooo! Help? Help!? I don't wanna help!

Lewis: Why not? Don't you wanna be like, you know, supporting our listeners?

Simon: Not in that way! I mean, this is—this is kind of like rape, isn't it?

Lewis: Yeah... that's, that's one of the letters from our listeners.

Simon: So, he listens to the same four podcasts that we've done so far. And he just... pleasures himself to them on the bus. I do actually think this is genuine now. I do—I, I think this is completely for real. And I really don't think we should use this.

Lewis: (Laughing) Why not!?

Simon: Bec—I'ts gonna end up like the end of fucking Se7en. I'm gonna be stood there, with—like—with Hannah. And there's gonna be this round box on the, on the floor. We're gonna be in the desert, and we'll look at the (terrible imitation of Brad Pitt) "What's in the box"!? "What's in the box"!? It's gonna be your head!

Lewis: Are you doing Chris Crocker?

Simon: Your head is gonna be—no I was doin' Brad Pitt. That's Brad Pitt, that's how he talks at the end of Se7en.

Lewis: (Laughing) Like Chris Crocker?

Simon: Pretty much, yeah. (terrible imitation of Brad Pitt) "Leave my wife's head alone"! I still can't get over the fact that there is, quite possibly, a guy out there listening to us and jerk—

Lewis: I've unnerved you, have I?

Simon: This is fucking weird, though.

Lewis: How is this different, though, from—like—a, a girl listening and jerking off. How is it different? And why does it even bother you? I mean—

Simon: It's like they're stalkers or something, though. Isn't it? They're—like—listening to you all the time.

Lewis: Yeah, but look. Like, imagine, like, Tina Barrett, okay? Imagine Tina Barrett. She's got—like—hundreds and hundreds of fans, hasn't she? And some of them will think she's attractive—

Simon: (Laughing) Hundreds. Just hundreds.

Lewis: —and some people may, or may not...

Lewis laughs.

Simon: After all these years, that's all that's left.

Music plays.

Simon: (Like a robot) "You're listening to the YoGPoD. Neahh."

Music fades out.

Hannah: Tina, Tina is a slang word for crystal meth.

Lewis: Yeah, but like so, like, there's millions and millions of slang words for crystal meth. Like... Sm—Smeckers.

Simon: Thanks for that. Brilliant.

Lewis: I just made that one up. Do you wanna make up some words for drugs, Honeydew?

Simon: Okay. Um...

Lewis: Delish. I think that's one of them.

Simon: Bangra.

Lewis: Shortened to—like—

Simon: Bangra.

Lewis: —Bang.

Simon: (Imitating addict) "Ya got any bang, mate? (sniff, sniff) You got any bang? (sniff, sniff) Oh, come on, mate. You know I'm good for it." (sniff, sniff, sniff)... Spacker!

Lewis laughs.

Simon: That's a... slang term—

Lewis: Spacker!?

Simon: —a slang term for ecstasy.

Simon: Spacker! (Imitating addict) "Ya alright, mate? Ya got any Spacker? Eh? My party time. Got any Spacker... oh Spacker. I don't know what accent this is. Spacker."

Lewis: They've all got.. they tend to have, like, one-syllable names, though, don't they? Like... Jizz. Hit, Go, Big... They've all got names like that, like Cif. That would be like, uh—

Simon: Cif?!

Lewis: Yeah.

Simon: Cif cleaning product?

Lewis: Yeah... Sparkle.

Simon: Oh my god.

Lewis: Sparkle, do you want some sparkle? That's like 'emphetamines.

Simon: Do you w—Do you want some Mr. Muscle?

Hannah: That sounds awful.

Lewis laughs.

Simon: Got any Pledge?

Lewis laughs loudly.

Simon: Oh, man. I could really do with some Windolene right now.

Lewis laughs

Simon: Do you know what I would like? I would like the YoGPoD to be a slang term for a drug.

Lewis: Yeah.

Simon: If—if any of our listeners are drug users, uh, we'd like you to start calling your drug of choice a YoGPoD. It could be a spliff, or something, couldn't it... A pod. This is my pod. My spliff-pod.

Simon breathes.

Lewis: Wow.

Simon: I'm not quite sure where the YOG comes into it...

Lewis: Cupcake, Muffin, Scone, Fairy-Cake...

Simon: Knob-Jockey (Imitating addict) "Got any Knob-Jockey?"

Lewis: No, it would be Knobber.

Simon: (Laughing) Knobber? Oh my god.

Lewis: (Imitating addict) "Got any Knobber?"

SImon: (Imitating addict) "Oh, I'm dying for a hit of some Knobber." Eew... No, that's—that's not good at all. No.

Lewis laughs.

Lewis: That's revolting.

Simon: Max Power. That would be a great name

Lewis: But aren't—isn't that—like a magazine, like a car magazine?

Simon: (Laughing) Yeah. Max Power. Loaded. That kind of works.

Lewis: Lips.

Simon: Lips.

Lewis: Lips is a good one. (Imitating addict) "Gimme some Lips. Yeeahh."

Simon: Scrotoplasty. (Imitating addict) "Ya got any Scrotoplasty, mate?"

Lewis: (Imitating addict) "Ya got any Scrote?"

SImon: (Laughing) Scrote!? Yeah, Scrote works, doesn't it? Yeah.

Lewis: They all get shortened.

Simon: (Imitating addict) "Scrote. Ya got any Scrote?"

Lewis laughs.

Simon: (Imitating addict) "Yeah, mate, I heard you're sellin' some Scrote."

Lewis: (Laughing) Yeah!

SImon: (Imitating addict) "Yeah, I got a new shipment of Scrote in."

Lewis: It's the good stuff. Fresh outta Panama.

Simon: (Imitating addict) "You interested in some nice, pure Scrote?"

Lewis: Nice, pure Scrote.

Simon: (Imitating addict) "It's a man's drug: Scrote."

Lewis: It does sound like a man's drug, doesn't it.

Simon: Yeah. Oh, man.

Lewis: Where as the girly drugs that—they're kind of the equivalent of, like Alcopops, aren't they? They've all got names like... like Twink.

Simon: Sparkle. (Imitating girl) "Ya got any Sparkle?" Pony. Ya got any pony?

Lewis: Pony's like an amount of money, though, isn't it? It's like a thousand pounds, or whatever.

Simon: Oh yeah, I think it's like twenty-five quid. Isn't it, or is it five—

Hannah: Butterflower.

Lewis: Oh is it? Isn't like a Donkey a thousand, or something?

Simon: It's a grand.

Lewis: Oh, a thousand's a grand, isn't it?

Simon: There's a Monkey.

Lewis: A monkey. A Badger.[1]

Simon: (Laughing) A Badger! I think you've just made that up, haven't you? A Badger?

Lewis: We should -like- use that. A badger is like seven pound fifty.

Simon laughs.

Lewis: (Gangster voice) "Ya owe me a Badger!" That's how much—that's how much one tab of Scrote would cost. It would cost a badger.

Simon laughs.

Lewis laughs.

Simon: Oh my god. Ah. I just collapsed in laughter.

Lewis: (Laughing loudly) Yeah. Yeah.

Hannah: Are you recording this now?

Lewis: (Laughing) Yeah. Oh dear.

Simon: A tab of Scrote costs one Badger.

Lewis: Oh, I'm crying a little bit.

Simon: I think a little bit just, uh, leaked out, there.

Simon and Lewis laugh.

Simon: Oh, man. A tab of Scrote for one badger... Seven Pound Fifty?

Outro music plays.

Lewis: Oh, wow.

Simon: (Laughing) Such a precise amount of money!

Music fades out.

Hannah: That's all for the YoGPoD this week. Please tell all your friends about us, and you'll hear from us soon. Thanks!